Something strange has been happening to me lately. My grasp on vocabulary has been loosening. I began to notice it sometime within the past few months. More and more often, there's a word I want to use that lies just beyond the border of my consciousness. It's frustrating. I feel like I do after I eat popcorn or an apple. Without fail, some particle gets lodged between my two bottom front teeth. Too small to see. Barely big enough to me to feel, but there's the pressure there. Then I begin to slide my tongue over it, again and again. Before long I've got my finger in my mouth, trying desperately to scrape the little fucker out. But my constant prodding and poking have worn it down, there's no grip. It's stuck there. And I can't get it out. I can't get the fucking words out.

So, approaching the problem analytically, I realize I've fallen completely out of practice. My loosening grip on my language is slowly affecting my skills to think logically. And my memory. In all, I'm getting dumber. It's time to sharpen the tools. To practice. And maybe in turn sort out a few of the grander puzzles in my mind.

One problem I foresee is creative block. But I don't really care what I write—this isn't, after all, for me or anyone else to read and find greater meaning, but practice—even if it's about the block itself. I'm making a conscious decision to take command of my words. Hopefully the rest of my brain will sharpen as well.

I'd really love to find some way to make money real quick. But I realize I probably wouldn't really trust any idea that promised that. Moreover it seems like I need to fully devote myself to some task, immerse myself in it, become beyond proficient at it, and then reap the benefits of the hard work. The problem is, nothing I've been able to think of exactly tickles my fancy. Maybe the problems is my approach to thinking about it. I'd compare it to someone trying to find their ideal mate. I started out as a kid, maybe in high school, with this very short list of things I wanted out of my career, or even my purpose—my life. The list was replete with cliches. Enjoy your work. Make enough money to be more than comfortable. Et cetera. As I grew older, I began to add things to the list, and more importantly, I became picky and discounted a lot of options. Today I find myself stuck, seeking the perfect path when, realistically, or pragmatically, just about any will do, as long as I choose and fully delve into it. It's like trying to find the perfect companion. I guess there are typically two schools of thought. Settling for good versus holding out for perfect. And typically, I tend to subscribe to the former camp. Though oddly, I found myself first typing perfect instead of former. Maybe my brain is more decided than I think. Though at some point, the time wasted waiting for perfection may outweigh the benefits of getting something good for the long haul earlier on. I can tell my thinking and prose are pretty convoluted, but I guess that's what this is for.

I don't know. I've been considering something I read in Moneyball. Billy Beane says he realized towards the end of his playing career that you pretty much end up being whatever you are at age 27. I've considered a lot of the people I know, and, with very few exceptions, this holds pretty true. Even if it means your at least heading down the beginning of your lifepath at that point. So I've got 5 years to get things in gear.

Unrelated, Irene invited me to a show tonight at 9. I think I should go. The only one of my limitations that has any validity when I really consider them (sleep, money, lazy) is money. But it's free, and I really want to continue to improve as a person, especially socially. I think social skills go a very long way in making you successful in any aspect of life. And by social skills, I mean understanding how people work. The only way to really get better with this is to go out. And I've decided that I want to be successful enough to give up a few of the time-wasting luxuries, like sleep, that I usually value. I really need to start getting up earlier too. No. Fuck that way of thinking. I am getting up early tomorrow. And honestly, I'm probably going to bed late tonight. This is the time in my life I need to pack the most experience into, if I want to get ahead of the curve. And isn't that what success really is in the first place??